There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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