walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
