At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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