i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
