im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
