does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
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