Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
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