Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
