I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
