Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
