I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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