I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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