During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize