i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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