I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
