Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
organizing the empties. That sober.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
