I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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