Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
stop calling my apartment porn island.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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