Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
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