i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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