Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
