he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
