Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Randomize
