This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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