You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
