DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
