dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
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