At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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