Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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