wrigley field is MILF paradise
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
