I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
