you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
