u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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