why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
