my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
