I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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