someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
