she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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