Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
