I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
