remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
