i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Randomize
