I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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