Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
