i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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