the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Randomize
