My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
