i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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