thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
