i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Randomize
