this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
being pregnant is like rehab
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
