just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
