Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
