im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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