Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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