shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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