Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
