you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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