I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
