I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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