I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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