angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
