I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
