It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
